Chapter 1: A lime a day keeps the reader away

It was a surprisingly warm autumn day. One would expect it would be a bit more remarkable on a plot-significant day like this, but the weather apparently either didn’t care or didn’t notice. Or maybe it was saving up its strength for some sudden confrontation that required a dramatic lightning bolt. Or a storm.

Such things are always in demand. I mean, just think about how silly it would look if the armies of some evil overlord would rush the walls of an elaborate medieval castle during a pleasant spring day. Or during a light summer shower with a rainbow and everything! The mood dissonance would literally tear the scene apart and wipe its-

…

“… Wait a moment…”

I was thrown out from my previous train of thought by the rather unpleasant realization that I was narrating. It was quite embarrassing, really. I mean, it took me two whole paragraphs to notice it. I just really hope I wasn’t doing it aloud. That would be just way too awkward.

I hastily looked around only to come upon a number of new exciting and somewhat troubling realizations. First of all, I was on a train. A train I didn’t remember boarding. That was only mildly weird. But then there were the kids in robes sitting in the same cabin as me. Isn’t that a bit outdated fashion-wise? Maybe it wasn’t. After all, I didn’t even know where I was.

Wait, was that a steam whistle? Am I on a steam engine? That also seemed weirdly anachronistic for some reason, but I just couldn’t put my finger on why. Maybe I should ask around or something? I turned to the girl on my left, a short gal with a bushy hairdo wearing an open black robe with a pleated skirt, a white shirt, striped tie and knit jumper. I supposed it was some kind of uniform.

“Um… Hello?” I said with what I considered to be an awkward smile. She glanced up from her book and looked at me with these big, round doe eyes. She didn’t speak though. Just stared. It was a little creepy, to be honest.

Then after about ten seconds of tinfoil-chewing silence she just said, “Wow, you are hot!”

“Errr… Pardon?” I replied after about two seconds of flabbergasted gawping.

“Wow, is that French? That is, like, super-hot!” She added as she put down her book and began staring at my face with a dreamy expression.

“It’s no big deal,” Said the ginger kid with the bowl-cut sitting by the window.

“Shut up Ron.” Answered the girl while not even taking her eyes off me. I was getting patently weirded out there.

“Yeah, shut up Ron! We hate you!” Added the kid sitting in front of me, a scrawny fellow with a pair of darkish round glasses and some weird birthmark or scar or something on his forehead.

“But why?! I didn’t do anything!” Barked back the kid by the window with a scowl.

“We just hate you, okay?! What’s so hard to understand about that?” Said the girl while rolling her eyes. “As for you, do you want to make out?” She added while staring into my eyes.

“Pardon?” I said again while my brain was desperately trying to come up with another, less creepy way to interpret her words.

“Ohhh, using the French again, you Casanova!” She purred.

“Seriously, what’s going on here?” I protested while trying to keep her at arm’s reach.

“Let’s just do it! You wouldn’t believe what I can do with my tongue!”

“Too much information!” I shouted as I pushed her away. “Would someone give me a hand?” I said as my eyes accidentally met with the bespectacled boy in front of me. He gave me a creepy smile in response and began taking off his robes. His outfit underneath was like as if an entire tween clothes shop exploded and landed on him, except messier.

“Sure, I would love to, but only if you let me check out your magic wand afterwards!” He said while giving me a wink. I groaned.

“That’s not helping! In fact that’s the exact opposite of helping!”

“Ah, you boys only care about your wands! Here, let me show you where the real magic is!” Chirped the girl as she stuck out her tongue and pounced at me. I grabbed her robes and kept her as far away from me as I physically could, but sadly I only had two hands so I couldn’t do anything about the boy with the glasses. I took a deep breath. One thing at a time, one thing at a time…

“You guys are gross!” Grunted the boy they called Ron.

“Shut up Ron! You are just jealous because you are impotent!” Growled the girl struggling in my hands. “I see. You like playing hard to get, eh? That’s hot too!” She whispered in a voice only I could hear.

“Yeah, I bet you are a death-eater too!” Said the other boy while applying generous amounts of black lipstick on himself for reasons I didn’t even want to fathom. “You must be working for whatshisname too!”

“You-Know-Who,” I sad by reflex, though for some reason I had no idea why or what that meant.

I also had a distinct feeling that there was sort of a huge logical leap in what he just said, but I was quite frankly a bit too preoccupied with trying to stop a pre-pubescent girl from frenching me to care. Speaking of which, I grabbed her by the shoulders and made her sit up properly. I might have put a bit too much force into my grasp as I could see tears welling up in her eyes.

“You don’t like me?” She asked in a deceptively innocent voice. “It’s the hair, right? That’s why you don’t want to make out with me.”

“No! It’s because you are about twelve!”

“Well, so are you,” Said the boy in front of me while unpacking some kind of wooden wand. Was I? I quickly glanced at myself and nodded in apprehension. Yeah, it seems so.

“My point still stands!” I said and gave the boy a frown, “And you! Don’t put that wand into your mouth! It’s disturbing!”

“Who’s disturbing?!”

The voice came from the outside of the cabin. The door suddenly opened wide and a weird, white-blonde boy of our age popped into the room. He wasn’t wearing robes like the others but instead he had some sort of weird, psychedelic punk rocker attire with leather pants.

“Hello Potter!” He bellowed with an uncharacteristically deep voice. Then he looked over to me and whistled. “Hello there hot stuff!”

“Pardon?” I muttered by reflex.

“Oh, are you French! I love it!” He continued to bellow with what I think was supposed to be a seductive smile. Then the world unexpectedly went black as my head was suddenly buried in the girl’s nonexistent chest. I apparently was so shocked by this boy’s appearance that I laxed my grip on her just enough for her to glomp me.

“Go away Draco! He is not interested in the kinds of you!”

“Who gave you the right to talk for other people, Granger?”

“This is stupid,” Groaned the boy in the corner while dissecting a chocolate frog. Or at least he was dissecting a living chocolate frog before I got glomped and… wait, chocolate frog? I mean, does that sound weird to anyone else other than me?

“Shut up Weasley!” Bellowed the white haired boy, also cutting my train of through short.

“Yeah, shut up!” Added the boy with the scar. “You are totally going to Slytherin because you are such a death-eater mud-blood!” That sounded weirdly wrong too, but I couldn’t react to it since on one hand I had no idea what ‘death-eater’, ‘Slytherin’ or ‘mud-blood’ meant, and on the other hand I was too busy being suffocated. Ugh…

“Hey! Do you want to compare our magic wands?” Said the bespectacled boy with a coy voice.

“Hell yeah!” Answered the whatshisname… it was Draco, right? “Let’s go over to my cabin! We should also invite a few other guys if we are at it! Wanna come along?” That last question was apparently aimed at me, but it took me a few seconds to answer. Damn girls going through puberty faster than boys and their higher testosterone levels! I could barely peel myself out of the girl’s embrace!

“Haa... Haa…” I was breathing heavily from the effort when I looked over to the white-haired boy who was in the middle of fondling the other boy’s… what was his name again? Something to do with clay… Ah yes, Potter. So, again, he was in the middle of fondling the boy’s magic wand, which was only an innuendo but still way too creepy. I mean, they are twelve! What the hell!?

“Oh, are you getting excited?” Said Potter noticing my heaving.

“No! I was almost suffocated here!”

“Awww! You don’t have to be shy!” Said Draco. I let out a groan in response.

“Just what the hell are you even doing!?” I asked with another groan.

“Foreplay!” The two said in unison!

“… Pardon?” I would have worried about this word becoming a habit if I wasn’t too busy trying to keep myself from facepalming, as I needed both hands to keep the girl… her name was Granger, right? Is that even a first name or a surname? Whatever, I still needed both my hands to keep her from pouncing on me again. “Just what kind of concept do you have about sexuali… ty…” I stopped and groaned again. “Yeah, twelve. Sorry for asking.”

“Oooooh! Who’s that smarmy French guy?” Came a new voice from the cabin entrance belonging to a blonde girl with a decidedly dotty aura and a lopsided smile on her face. “Wow! He is dreamy!”

By this point I barely had enough mental acuity to just blink in utter confusion.

“Get lost Luna! He’s mine!” Said Granger, apparently completely obvious to my efforts to keep her as far from me as possible.

“You are not even supposed to enroll here until next year…” Whispered the redhead guy in the corner.

“Shut up Ron, you death-eater scumbag!” Yelled the new girl. “You are just jealous because you are missing your sister!”

“Yeah. You are totally imbred!” Chimed in the boy with the glasses.

“I heard he is so imbred he used a time-turner to go back in time and became his own father!” Added Draco.

“That’s just gross!” Said the new girl while clawing towards me.

I would have butted in to help out the poor ostracized guy but I simply didn’t have the opportunity, as by this time I had to multitask between keeping Granger away with my hands, keeping new girl at bay with my legs and also trying to not focus on the two preteen boys suggestively feeling up each other’s wands next to me. Seriously, just what kind of messed up place is this?!

Then, just as I was about to lose my temper someone new appeared in the cabin. For a second I dreaded the reveal of just what kind of new crazy person would intrude into the already crowded cabin, but I was grabbed by the leg instead.

“No! Come back!” Yelled Granger as I was dragged out of the place, but about a second later she was already pouncing onto the blonde girl like as if I was never there. In the meantime I was roughly pulled into the corridor of the train car by a surprisingly small hand. It took me a few seconds to get onto my feet while the owner of said hand angrily slammed the door of the cabin shut and glared at me with eyes that could boil an egg in about ten seconds.

She was petite, though still a bit taller than the other girls and about the same age as everyone else. She was still half a head shorter than me, so I suppose I must have been pretty tall. Her black hair was in a tidy ponytail held together by a small red ribbon and she was still glaring at me with a pair of emerald green eyes embedded in a face that would launch about, say, thirty four ships. Plus minus five, depending on the lighting.

“Errr…?” I began to speak, but then her arm suddenly whipped out and she jabbed my chest with her index finger.

“Who the hell do you think you are!?” She yelled at me with a scowl that deducted about three of that ship count.

“Who…?” I began to speak again, but she cut me short by poking me in the chest again.

“You are completely messing up my story! How dare you just barge in here and act like you own the narrative! You are a sham! Poser! Spotlight-burglar!”

I blinked at her with what I think was a really unflattering expression and let out a sight accompanied with the word that seemed to dominate my vocabulary as of late, already dreading the answer…

“P-Pardon…?”

That was how my life as a fanfic character began, and let’s just say that I hardly even saw even the tip of the iceberg that awaited me in the not-so-distant future. But that is for another time, I suppose…

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Originally this first chapter was much, much more risqué than the final version. In fact, as the chapter title indicates, this was practically a straight-up lime parody with everything except actual penetration.

The reason I decided against actually going through with it was that my friend Warfoki was freaked out by it on the spot, so I had to reconsider the positives and negatives of the shock-value. I mean, it's meant to be a parody of bad lemon/lime fics, so how was I supposed to do that without actual lemon/lime to parody? In the end I had to compromise, and while I consider the first draft funnier, this didn't turn out half bad either.

You might also wonder why I chose the first arc to take place in the Harry Potter universe, for which my answer is very simple: My Immortal. In fact, you might see a lot of subtle and not-so-subtle jabs at that particular hilarious abomination in the future. Consider yourself warned.